


Snickerdoodle Dandy

by TheMarkovProperty



Series: Stevonnie’s Bizarre Adventures [1]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Comedy, F/M, Occurs about a year from canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-22
Updated: 2017-08-22
Packaged: 2018-12-18 19:55:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11881680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMarkovProperty/pseuds/TheMarkovProperty
Summary: ♫I’m a snickerdoodle dandy♫♫Snickerdoodle do or die♫♫A real life nephew of my uncle Graham♫♫Cinnamon flows through my blood!♫♫I’ve got a snickerdoodle sweet tooth:♫♫I find joy in every bite!♫♫Snickerdoodle is the treat for you and all your fam’ly♫♫Cinnamon swirls for you and me!♫A routine attempt to uncorrupt Jasper takes an unexpected turn when Stevonnie accidently sends the bubble to the wrong home.





	Snickerdoodle Dandy

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song [Yankee Doodle Dandy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=StDpLge_ITM&feature=youtu.be) from the musical film of the same name.

“Ready, Peridot?” Stevonnie called.

“Affirmative,” came the technician’s reply. She stood on a platform thirty feet away and at the fusion’s direction pushed the START button on the U64 controller in her hand. The hard light containment unit immediately sprung to life, filling the air with the steady hum of energy.

“Alex, you good?”

The larger fusion took up almost half of the enclosure. She had to sit hunched over to remain within its confines, “Yes.”

Stevonnie looked at the bubble floating between their hands. It was the perfect shade of pink, and one of the few they themself had created. They took a deep breath and let it disperse.

They caught Jasper’s gem with their left hand and with their right applied a generous quantity of curative fluid. No sooner did they touch it than it began to glow and float away. They stepped back to give her space.

As they waited for her to take her form, part of them itched to reach for the sword on their back, but another part stayed their hand. They were safe like this, and an aggressive posture would only startle her again.

Jasper seemed to settle on a burly, humanoid frame, but a garbled shriek marked her transition into something feral. Her fingers grew long and sharp, spikes protruded from her form, and her body swelled to twice its size.

Stevonnie had been prepared for it, but privately, they had hoped it might be different this time.

As she reached her full stature, the healing properties began to take effect. Many of her spikes retracted, some disappearing entirely, and she shrank to a less imposing size, although she was still quite intimidating. If it weren’t for her orange skin, she might be mistaken for a large dog or a small bear.

Jasper looked around in a panic. She was trapped, captured. She had to get away. There was something she had to do. She couldn’t remember what, but she could figure it out later. Right now, she had to move, for staying still made her a target for rebels. What were rebels again?

Why was it so hard to concentrate? She had the worst gemache. Maybe it was related. And why was everything so quiet? She could barely hear anything besides the Song, but that was to be expected. It was very important that she heard it at all times, for it told her what she was supposed to be.

Somehow, she knew she couldn’t pass through the field. Instead, she clawed at the ground, but it was too hard to burrow through. And the person before her? She didn’t know why, but they were dangerous and unnatural, wrong.

Yet they kneeled down and reached toward her, “It’s OK. We won’t hurt you.”

We? We?! One word rose above the Song, and Jasper remembered: fusion! Fusion!

Stevonnie sighed. Why did it always have to come to this?

Jasper roared and leaped forward, but before her paws touched down, two massive hands clapped around her.

* * *

Ten minutes later, Garnet came sprinting out of the temple, “She’s not here.”

“Who?” Pearl replied.

“Jasper.”

Pearl jumped back in surprise, and Amethyst nearly fell off the counter, “What!?” they shouted.

Stevonnie emerged from the fridge at the commotion, a slice of half-eaten pizza dangling from their mouth, “Huh?”

“Jasper’s missing,” Garnet restated.

“Umm…” Stevonnie swallowed, put the pizza box on the counter, and closed the fridge, “Are you- are you suuuuure?”

“Yes.”

“Where could she have gone?” Pearl wondered. She turned to Stevonnie, “You sent her back here, right?”

Stevonnie scratched their chin. They had managed to grow a whole patch of stubble rather than the sporadic hairs they were used to. They were quite proud of it and found playing with it endlessly amusing, “I think so? I just do what Steven does; it’s never gone wrong before.”

Garnet stepped forward, “Tell me what you were thinking when you bubbled her.”

“Well, I was thinking that after we warped home, I could stick around to finish this one _Ultraman_ level Steven’s been having trouble with, but since it’s almost noon and I’m kinda hungry, I thought I should do lunch first, and I was trying to decide between the leftover pizza and the tofu sandwich mom made me, but then I remembered mom also made her legendary snickerdoodle cookies this morning (no, Amethyst, I don’t have any to spare), and since tofu doesn’t go well with cinnamon, I decided on pizza, but now I’m kinda second guessing my life choices cause we ran out of milk…”

“Oops,” Amethyst burped. “My bad.”

“It’s fine,” they grumbled. “I got more.”

“What’s your hurry?”

“I couldn’t eat _cookies_ without _milk,_ Amethyst! My gem’s not _cracked!_ ”

“Language!” Pearl objected, sending a warning glance at the proud, violet gem guffawing across the countertop.

“Oh, come on! What’s wrong with-”

Pearl turned her cool gaze back toward them, “Ahem.”

“Y-yes ma’am!”

“The last thing we need is for you or Connie to repeat such- _vulgarities_ in front of your parents.”

“Connie doesn’t even- and I don’t think they would-” Stevonnie shook their head and wisely decided not to press the issue. “Anyway, I sent off the bubble right after I decided on… lunch plans, and… and then we… left… Oh no.”

They pulled out both of their phones and discovered 6 missed calls, 38 text messages, and two new emails between them.

“Oops.” They shoved their phones back in the respective pockets and scampered out the front door, blasting it completely off its hinges. “Lion!!”

* * *

As the garage door rolled itself closed, Doug Maheswaran quietly poked his head into the kitchen. His eyes shifted in every direction in search of his prize. There, on the counter, it sat, unguarded: the Great Cookie Reserve.

With his eyes closed, he could still smell them. He took a long whiff.

Slowly, he stalked inside, shutting the door behind him with great care. He hug his keys and jacket on their hooks and sauntered to the counter.

In between dance moves that would have left his daughter mortified, he mumbled a [song](https://youtu.be/StDpLge_ITM?t=1m20s) beneath his breath:

♫ _I’m a snickerdoodle dandy_ ♫  
♫ _Snickerdoodle do or die_ ♫  
♫ _A real life something of my hmm hmm hmm_ ♫  
♫ _Cinnamon flows through my blood!_ ♫  
♫ _Hmm hmm snickerdoodle sweet tooth:_ ♫  
♫ _Something, something really good?_ ♫  
♫ _Snickerdoodles are so great. I could eat them all?_ ♫  
♫ _Cinnamon sugar co-ok-kies?_ ♫

He frowned as he tried to remember the correct verses. Wasn’t there something about joy and cinnamon swirls?

Eventually he made his way to the cookie jar. It was a cubical, aluminum structure. The lid was affixed via four latches, one for each side, the theory being that the extra effort to open provided more protection. On the front was taped a note that read:

ONE PER DAY  
NO EXCEPTIONS

Keeping a vigilant watch over the stairs, he felt around for the lid, unlatched it, and quietly pulled it off.

♫ _Nine nine seven one eight two one that’s the ‘doodle hotline_ ♫  
♫ _Buy two and get a box for free!_ ♫

He reached inside, and where he expected to find fresh-baked, individually-wrapped snickerdoodles, he felt something decidedly bubblier. It must be a new type of wrapping, he decided, so he pushed against it, groping around until he hear a satisfying _pop!_

He jumped in place and slammed the lid back on. _A booby trap!_ he realized. _Very clever_.

Prepared for his fate, he glanced toward the stairs once more but found no one waiting in ambush. How fortunate! Later, when she found the deflated balloon (or whatever that was), he would just play innocent.

He removed the lid again and reached inside, but his fingers struck something unexpectedly hard. Curious, he pulled it out to examine, latching the lid behind him as he moved to the table.

It was some sort of stone, he realized, orange in hue and polished to shine. What a strange place to store it. Should he put it back? Priyanka would notice it was missing. Was it just his imagination or was it shining brighter than a second ago? And floating? Oh.

He ran up the stairs and into the bedroom, slamming the door shut behind him. He leaned against it, gasping. Priyanka looked up from her book, raised an eyebrow, shrugged, and went back to reading.

“Honey!” he urged. “Where’s the sword?”

“Connie has it, I think. Or maybe Stevonnie, since she confirmed they were coming over for dinner, as usual. One of them has it. Err, both of them?” Priyanka looked up thoughtfully, shrugged again, and turned the page, “Why?”

After locking the door, he ran over and jumped into the bed beside her, “There’s a monster in the house!”

“Ohh ho ho,” she chuckled. Setting her book aside, she gave him an approving look, “I know.”

Just then, there was a crash downstairs, followed by the sounds of furniture being ripped apart.

“What was that?”

“Probably the monster.”

“What!?”

“Don’t shout!”

“ _You’re_ shouting!” she hissed.

“Oh. Right. Sorry.”

“I’ll call Connie. Or- or Stevonnie. Whoever answers!”

Doug peeked out of the bedroom door and down the stairs, just in time to catch a flash of orange race by.

“No answer. No answer!? The satellite phone was supposed to be a sound investment. ‘Coverage anywhere on Earth!’”

“Honey, I know I promised not to cheat on the diet, but don’t you think this is a little extreme?”

“You think I, what, smuggled a monster into the house, and leashed her to the kitchen table?”

“Who else would booby trap the cookie jar?”

“Doug. Did you try to snatch one of my snickerdoodles?”

“Of course I did!”

“Did you sing _that song?_ ”

Doug paused to clear his throat, “Yes…”

“How dare you compare – however implicitly – my sacred, sumptuous snickerdoodles to those paltry, saccharine abominations, those callers of cavities, those too-brittle psuedocookies, those palate-poisoners, those- those boulder-biscuits, with texture like gravel and the consistency of sand?”

“Honey, I’m sensing some ambiguity here. Why don’t you tell me how you really feel?”

“Doug, I am _almost_ serious.”

Her husband shrugged, “It’s a catchy tune.”

“No. It is _heresy!_ ”

“You’re right, honey. I have sinned greatly.”

They heard something thump up the stairs.

“Doug, we need to _focus._ We have a monster. In the house!”

“Shh!”

“Sorry, sorry. What are we gonna do?”

“Panic?”

“Check.”

“Jump out the window?”

“You want us to _defenestrate_ ourselves?”

“We don’t have a lot of options! Nice SAT word, by the way.”

“Hey, all that money had to be worth something.”

“At least it’s something practical.”

“I’d really rather it weren’t.”

They heard scratching at the door.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Did you at least grab one?”

“Of course,” he said, pulling forth his pilfered baggie. “Wanna split it?”

“With you? Always.”

* * *

Outside the Maheswaran residence, Stevonnie came dashing through a portal to the Big Doughnut, shouting, “Thanks Lars!” over their shoulder. Barely stopping to wipe their feet, they threw open the door and rushed inside.

The scene before them chilled their heart.

The furniture had been knocked over, carpet and wallpaper shredded, family photos destroyed. Jasper must have gotten free.

A series of steady and rapid thunks emanated from above: their parents’ bedroom. They immediately drew their sword, summoned a shield overhead, and jumped straight through the ceiling.

They fought back the tears threating to blind them – they would need to be able to see to protect anyone – yet they were terrified that those tears might be far more useful than any sword or shield. In the brief moments before the dust cleared, they tried to steel themself to face the consequences of their actions, but they could never have been prepared for the scene before them.

For there on the ground rested Doug and Priyanka Maheswaran, giving Jasper the best belly scratches a gem had ever received. Jasper herself was lying on her back with her eyes closed, tongue lolled out, and foot thumping in utter bliss.

Stevonnie cast their weapons aside and slid in between their coughing parents. They brought them together in a firm hug, “You’re OK!”

“O-oh, Stevonnie,” Doug sputtered amongst the dust. “That would explain the explosion.”

“Sorry. Don’t worry about the floor. I can fix that.”

“It’s fine,” Priyanka said, “We invested in Gem insurance when Connie started training.”

“Oh, good, cause downstairs is a disaster.”

Looking up at the new voice, Jasper gave an expectant whine. Stevonnie froze then carefully reached forward and stroked her belly. With an expression of clear smugness, Jasper wriggled back into her spot.

“How did you get her so calm? I’ve been trying for months, but she always attacked me!”

“But _everyone_ loves you!”

“I _know!_ ” Stevonnie threw their hands in the air. Their display was met with a low growl, and they quickly resumed the belly rubs.

“We just opened the cookie jar for her,” Priyanka explained. “Suddenly, she was our best friend.”

“Of course! Why didn’t I think of that? Centi loves Chaps!” In awe, they whispered, “Junk food is the key!”

“You should have seen it. It was the cutest thing,” Doug cooed.

“When she broke down the door, I thought we were done for!” Priyanka continued. “But then she padded forward, set the cookie jar down, and muzzled it toward us.

“Who’s a good girl?” Jasper ruffed in reply. “Yes, it _is_ you. It is _you!_ ”

Stevonnie smiled. _Or maybe it’s love_ , they thought. They sniffed and wiped their eyes, “I’m just glad you’re OK.”

Priyanka turned to them, “What’s wrong, honey?”

“This is all my fault. I couldn’t control my powers, and I accidently sent Jasper here, and then I saw you guys had called me a bunch of times, and I thought- I thought you needed help, and I wasn’t there for you.”

While Doug distracted Jasper with a doubled-up chest itch combo, Priyanka pulled their daughter’s fusion into a full hug, “I’m so sorry we worried you like that, but those texts were just cute photos.”

“Huh?” They pulled back from the hug and started going through the messages on one of their phones, which primarily consisted of photos of Jasper doing various tricks such as rolling over or shaking hands.

“She’s really smart! Picked up everything immediately. We also emailed you a video that was too large to text.”

“Oh.” They pulled up the video which showed Jasper fetching various objects for snickerdoodle rewards. “I guess I should have checked the messages before I jumped to conclusions.”

“Maybe, but I think it’s really sweet how you came to our rescue like that.”

“Honey, sweetie,” Doug interrupted, “my hands are getting tired.”

The three of them laughed together and resumed pampering Jasper, who just could not get enough of those chin scratches.

Less than a minute later, they heard the familiar sound of a portal opening, followed by the front door. Stevonnie walked over to the hole in the floor and called down, “Hey guys. We’re up here.”

The gems shrugged and, one by one, jumped up through the opening in the floor. When they were through, Stevonnie licked their hand and repaired the damage.

“Oh my stars,” Pearl whispered.

“Dude,” Amethyst agreed.

Jasper gave the assembled gems a wary glance but did not react otherwise.

Pearl scooped up Rose’s sword and cradled it for a moment before returning it to its scabbard.

“Thanks,” Stevonnie said. They then turned to their parents and asked, “So can we keep her?”

Doug and Priyanka shared a look and a shrug. “I don’t see why not,” said their kind-of-mom. “But you two will have to take care of her and clean up after her, heal her, and make snickerdoodle cookies for her every day.”

At the mention of cookies, Jasper’s ear-horns perked up.

“We can do that?” they asked themself. “Yeah, no problem!” They then turned toward the gems, “So can we keep her? Pleeeeease?”

“Garnet, no,” Pearl urged. “This is a _terrible_ idea.”

“It is,” she agreed. “But I can’t say no to that face.”

“Yes!” they cheered, as they pulled the gem half of their family into a hug. “Thanks, Garnet!”

“Geeze, and I thought Steven had a mean pair of puppy dog eyes,” said Amethyst.

“That’s my fusion power!” Stevonnie confirmed. They then turned back to Jasper and sat down beside her. “We’re gonna have so much fun! I’ll show you all sorts of Earth stuff. It’s your home too, after all. But first,” they said, grabbing their stomach, “it’s time for lunch. I am so hungry…”

**Author's Note:**

> To clarify, I do not approve of keeping tortured, sentient beings as pets, but this is a temporary arrangement aimed toward rehabilitation.
> 
> I should have a fic coming out in the next couple of days titled “Reunion,” focusing on post-wanted events, so keep an eye out for that!
> 
> The correct and full rendition of [“Snickerdoodle Dandy”](https://youtu.be/StDpLge_ITM?t=1m20s) is as follows:
> 
> ♫ _I’m a snickerdoodle dandy_ ♫  
>  ♫ _Snickerdoodle do or die_ ♫  
>  ♫ _A real life nephew of my uncle Graham_ ♫  
>  ♫ _Cinnamon flows through my blood!_ ♫  
>  ♫ _I’ve got a snickerdoodle sweet tooth:_ ♫  
>  ♫ _I find joy in every bite!_ ♫  
>  ♫ _Snickerdoodle is the treat for you and all your fam’ly_ ♫  
>  ♫ _Cinnamon swirls for you and me!_ ♫
> 
> ♫ _He’s a snickerdoodle dandy_ ♫  
>  ♫ _A snickerdoodle do or die_ ♫  
>  ♫ _A real life nephew of his uncle Graham_ ♫  
>  ♫ _Cinnamon flows through his blood!_ ♫  
>  ♫ _He’s got a snickerdoodle sweet tooth:_ ♫  
>  ♫ _He finds joy in every bite!_ ♫  
>  ♫ _Snickerdoodle is the treat for you and all your fam’ly_ ♫  
>  ♫ _Cinnamon swirls for you and me!_ ♫
> 
> ♫ _Nine nine seven one eight two one that’s the ‘doodle hotline_ ♫  
>  ♫ _Buy two and get a box for free!_ ♫


End file.
